The Adventures of John Flood or Why Google Thinks I'm Schizo

When I was finishing up an article a while back I wrote a post on how I'd found a new book, Jeremy Till's Architecture Depends, and that it had changed my view of what I was doing. A couple of days later Jeremy emailed me. He was using Google Alerts and my post was flagged.

This was intriguing. I set up an alert for a couple of items I'm researching and then I thought why not set one up for me. Usually when I google myself--and who doesn't--I get my website and my blog. But there's often another critter masquerading as me: John C Flood. I've talked about him in my standup. He's a plumber in Virginia, USA. He must have the worst video ever produced on YouTube. Warning: watch at your peril! It's bad!

I got to know John C because I used to get his emails. (Flood's a great name for a plumber isn't it? Inspires you with confidence...) What really put me on to John C was an email from a stranger who wanted to buy my domain name so he could put together a wedding portfolio for a friend, John Flood. He offered me $2000 but I said no. He upped the offer, but I still refused. A day later I got an email meant for John C from the stranger who'd been trying to buy my domain name. He apologized to John C for not being able to get the "John Flood" domain name because the idiot who had it wouldn't release it. Moi! So I wrote to both of them and I've never had another email from John C Flood.

So what could Google Alerts do for me? At first, not much. It picked up my blog posts, but I already had those. But after a month of tracking me down, Google became adventurous.

In June John Flood was a rampaging teenage gangster charged with auto theft in Naperville, IL. Maybe I was the suburban branch of the Crips. Anyhow I was wild. I knew it was me.

But I was fed up with the small stuff and aspired to greater things so I graduated to Chief Inspector of Inspections, Permits and Licensing when I was busted for felony cheque fraud in Louisville, Kentucky. (I get around, man.) So I was down and out, but when my lovely wife, Madonna, was elected to the Metro Council she made damn sure I was hired by the council. OK, I had to swear I had no felony convictions. I slipped up a bit, but it wasn't much. It didn't mean I couldn't do it again. Hey, if Bernie can big it up, why couldn't I? Seems more money went missing. Warn't $65 billion though. Hey, see you at my trial?

Well, after that I moved to Texas. I wanted to leave all that bad karma behind me. I became an attorney in Corpus Christi. You can tell I saw the light. I was acting for a widow whose husband coughed his last while helping our brave boys in blue with their enquiries. My client's previous convictions for manslaughter and cocaine possession had nothing to do with the way the police behaved I'm sure.

To tell you the truth, as you read this you see me diving towards the inferno where I belonged. But I have recanted. I am a better person. Google tells me so! Hallelujah!

I found solace in music. And for a while lately Google has kept me on this musical path. July found me "nestled among olive trees and bougainvillea...looking quintessentially Southern the 110-year-old Bernardo Winery in Rancho Bernardo". Oh, man, bliss. I was in heaven. Good karma. Seems I was playing percussion for a dance version of "Threepenny Opera". Never mind the dance, the vino was good.

But I needed something more substantial, something that really said this is the essence of John Flood! It came. I knew Google wouldn't let me down.

Mindrot! Read this and weep:
Back in the summer of 1989, four gloomy souls got together to create a sound that forever change the face of the Southern California underground music scene. For a year straight the members of Mindrot holed themselves up in a studio in Westminster, CA and honed their musical craft. Then in the June of 1990 they played their first ever show in a living room in Huntington Beach, CA with local crust-masters Glycine Max. The rest as they say was history.
Mindrot combined the heaviness of doom-metal, the gloominess of goth, and the political awareness of punk. I, of course, played the geetar.

Here's our avatar:
You can listen to our music over at our MySpace page. Withersoul and Despair are my favourites. You'll really appreciate my playing. It has a subtlety that is often overlooked on a cursory hearing, so give it a little time. But in case you need a more immediate hit, here I am letting rip.

Hi, I'm John Flood...anyone you want me to be.


Charon QC said…
Excellent John... I am both wiser and better informed as the old legal joke goes....

I enjoyed this.... I shall put it as my pick of the Day! on Insite